cdn_soldier (cdn_soldier) wrote,

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Words that I hope will never be forgotten in time.

I read the hurtful letter that I have sent out to someone. I couldn’t believe it myself what I have said in this letter. It hurt so much to read such words but worst of all that letter was not sent to me, it was sent to one of my greatest friends. Someone who couldn’t hurt me in return.

I was digging through my small safe I keep under my bed. First time I dig through the whole thing in years. I came across some letters. A lot of letters. I have forgotten how much she really did care about me. She knew in return how much I cared about her and could never hurt her. But I did. I backstabbed her. For many years I played the rule as a good friend to turn too. Someone who doesn’t judge just listen to what they would have to say and then do what I can to say or do to help make things a little better. I couldn’t imagine how it must feel to have a close friend like that to just turn around some day and backstab me. But it happen. I was the one to turn on my friend and backstabbed her.

I work very hard helping many of my friends from old friends to people who I just met rather at a odd time or by mistake, I would work very hard to keep them happy and feel needed. I work so hard because its hard to see someone who is upset and I could never imagine seeing myself doing or saying anything to make those people upset. It is not my nature. But I know from reading this awful letter that I have.

I hurt someone,. Someone who I hold dear to me and I only have myself to blame. Whenever a friend of mine makes me upset. I would never leash out at them. I would talk with them and get there side of the story and that’s when I would find out the truth and turn out that everything is not what I thought it would be. For example. I was to meet my friend Hannah in Toronto for the day. I hop on the train and get to Toronto where we were to meet in the CNE. I call her cell phone at 1pm… then 1:30-2-3 every 15-20 minutes all the way to 8pm when I grabbed on the next train to go home without meeting my friend Hannah. I was never mad..a little upset but I knew the best thing to do is talk to her and I did. I found out she left her cell phone at home so there was no way for us to find out where to meet. If I came all yelling and screaming that would lead nowhere but fighting and anger at each other. I talked to her and found out what happened and now we are back to the best of friends. So many times that would happen to many of my friends. And everything would turn out for the best. But it bugs me on how I didn’t talk to my friend Francesca asking to see whats going on and her side of the story. If I wasn’t so blind and daft I would of learn how busy she was on her last few months of work in Disney world. The hard times being away from her great boyfriend Matt who she loves so much so it is very hard to be set apart a far distance and any of her personal problems that she could be having. But instead I didn’t wait. Me being upset only led to anger. A anger that shouldn’t of happen.

Something was wrong. Something was on her mind. On top of all her daily problems our little goodbye kiss was making things hard. She is deeply in love with her boyfriend and I had to plant a big problem on her laps with me kissing her on the cheek. For something so small for one person can mean so big for the next.
I found out that this was one of the reasons why she was upset with me was because of a e-mail I sent out where I way trying to learn the truth by force. All she could reply with was that I kissed her. I asked for the truth but I didn’t handle it well. Instead I write a very hurtful letter. Why did I have to write that letter and write things that I know were not true. I knew they were not true but I wrote them anyways. I don’t know why. I may have been hurt as well. But instead of trying to work out that problem I had to blow it all away.

It doesn’t matter how many nice things you can tell a person. Even if you say nice things to them everyday for a good set of years letting the feel loved. It can take one bad thing to say to end it all and turn people against you. Hurtful things mean more to people then nice things. And so one hurtful thing to many I lost a friend. We had to call it quits. On our last together I was hoping things would get patched up. Even though on that awful letter I wrote said I wanted it all to be over. But that was anger speaking on my behalf. Something that speaks not from my heart but from false words.

So when we last talked to each other I wanted it to end not in anger but in peace. But to tell the truth I did have a little hope that we could still hold on. But it all ended. There was so much I wish I could tell her. So much I wanted to do before it all ended. Yes we may not be friends anymore and I know she can never forgive me and that is ok and I can never blame her for not wanting to forgive me after my awful letter. There were so many nice things I wish I got to say about her before we left, things I should of said instaid of those hateful things. So many nice things that should have been said but now they will never be able to be heard again. Hopefully if there is a heaven and I really hope there is because that seems like whatever little hope I have in anything now is that there really is a heaven. I really hope that if I ever get to make it up there she can forgive me then. Because I know it could never happen down here. Who can forgive a friend who turns away from you, back stabs you, and say evil things all at once. I hurt someone, I really hurt someone. I failed at my job of being a good friend. That is something I have to live with as long as I live. Something I can never forget.

And as for the kiss. Even though we are now long gone and there is no more hope of seeing each other again or talking again. I really hope she can let go of that meaningless kiss and only see it as a sign of friendship that there once was. Just another way of saying goodbye. Like the fruity kisses Europeans do on each other. Living in America so long with her new American customs it wasn’t right for me to greet or say goodbye to anyone in America with a fruity kiss on the cheek. I’ll just stick with the handshake for now on.

I know there is a lot more I want to say but its getting late.
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